So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?