As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.