I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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