new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
