I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
