You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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