He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
