i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
