You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Randomize
