i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
