You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
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