The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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