Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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