Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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