its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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