I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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