hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
