So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
