If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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