The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Randomize
