I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
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