my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
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The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
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asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit