i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
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let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
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I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?