omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine