I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.