Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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