Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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