I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
