guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
