I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
