Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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