Four minutes until I can fart!
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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