so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
