I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
