Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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