Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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