He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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