wanna go halves on a baby?
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
