I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Randomize
