i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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