last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
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OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
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Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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