Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
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she pinky promised me she was 18
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
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Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle