I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.