I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
This is my gift to your gina
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Randomize
