I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
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he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
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Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.