so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
