I could have mohawked her pubes.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
