she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
