just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
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Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
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The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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