Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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