Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
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