What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?