I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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