Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
