Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
why do cheetos always look like penises
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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