Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
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