oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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