While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
