also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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