Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
