You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
