So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
