On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Randomize
