OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
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