he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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