just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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