The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
