so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Randomize
