If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
