Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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