They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize
